


Hanging On

by dontbecruelx



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Anxiety, Caring Sebastian, Ciel is struggling, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, I don't really know where I was going with this, Kuroshitsuji Spoilers, M/M, Manga Spoilers, My First Work in This Fandom, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:07:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21697438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontbecruelx/pseuds/dontbecruelx
Summary: Ciel and Sebastian were in hiding with Lau and his servants for the time being while they formulated a plan. They were working diligently day and night to find as much information as they could before they launched what would most likely be their final attack. Ciel was tired. Exhausted in fact. He did well to keep face though, giving his orders and acting just as he usually would. He still wanted his home back, though, and he still wanted his revenge. But he was so exhausted to the point of breaking.
Relationships: Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive, Sebastian Michaelis/Ciel Phantomhive
Comments: 3
Kudos: 107





	Hanging On

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something short I decided to write after catching up on the recent manga chapters.  
> This is my first work in this fandom and I have a lot of ideas that I think I'm finally going to throw into the void.  
> Thanks for looking!

Ciel and Sebastian were in hiding with Lau and his servants for the time being while they formulated a plan. They were working diligently day and night to find as much information as they could before they launched what would most likely be their final attack. Ciel was tired. Exhausted in fact. He did well to keep face though, giving his orders and acting just as he usually would. He still wanted his home back, though, and he still wanted his revenge. But he was so exhausted to the point of breaking.

_He thought he was dead._

_He saw him die._

But he should have known better. After all, he’d seen plenty of corpses brought back to life. He just never expected that he’d be seeing his own brother reanimated next, at The Undertaker’s side as they snatched away everything that Ciel had worked so hard for. That he’d _killed_ for. He couldn’t concentrate on anything, Lau was having them work for keep at one of the opium dens. They were all working hard to find out as they possibly could, but Ciel was tired and now, the only people he could trust in the world were those in the building with him. His faithful servants, his butler, and even now after many years he was beginning to trust Lau. 

He couldn’t sleep comfortably at night in a bed that wasn’t his own, in a room that wasn’t within his manor, surrounded by unknown noises and his mind running over everything again and again. Everything that could go wrong. Everything that had gone wrong. He kept reassuring himself, kept telling himself that he had Sebastian, and they could do anything. That they would get through this and continue on the journey to get his revenge. He kept telling himself that he was The Earl, Ciel Phantomhive, and that nothing could take that away from him. But he still couldn’t sleep, still couldn’t get the image of his dead brother standing in his manor out of his mind, with Tanaka and The Undertaker at his heels. It made his stomach turn and his heart race unexplainably. He was tired and had been feeling this way for days, snapping at Sebastian and the others to hurry up so they could make a move. Sebastian wasn’t the most perceptive when it came to picking up human emotions at times. He’d noticed he was more aggravated than usual, but that was to be expected. It wasn’t until one night when Sebastian was doing his final calls before bed that he heard it. 

_“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”_

Ciel was in bed, rocking himself back and forth, trying his best to self soothe his anxiety and the rising fear building within him. He got louder with each time he said it. 

_"I am Ciel Phantomhive. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”_

His breathless words turned into quiet sobs as he brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face in his hands. It was then he heard a quiet knock on the door. He didn’t respond. He was panicking, trying to get his breathing under control. He knew who it was and to be frank, he didn’t want Sebastian to see him like this again. 

“Go away!” He spoke harshly, trying his hardest to ensure it wasn’t blatant that he was crying. Sebastian stood still outside for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. He listened to his masters sobs with his back to the door before doing as he was ordered, and returning to his quarters for the night to continue their investigation on societal gatherings within the United Kingdom with anyone related to the Aurora Society. Ciel was still motivated, he still knew what he had to do and he was not about to falter or lose in this otherworldly game of chess. But his anxiety was growing more and more out of control by the day. It was hard to keep face. Harder to order people around when all he wanted to do was get this done as quickly as possible. 

He was panicking again the next night. Repeating those same words. Telling himself over and over again that he could do this and he would not be beaten down by anyone. Between sobs he gripped at the bare skin on his thighs in an attempt to ground himself, leaving red marks and welts where he’d been digging his fingernails deep into his pale flesh. He sat up on his knees in bed this time, repeatedly squeezing and clawing at his thighs between sobs. He truly couldn’t believe it had come to this. That was when he heard a knock on the door again. 

“Young Lord?” Sebastian’s voice was quiet in the night. 

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to leave me be…” he trailed off before wiping stray hairs from his wet face. 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Sebastian was standing before him now. Ciel hadn’t even heard the door open. 

“You’re in quite the state.” The demon frowned, looking down at the small boy beneath him. 

“Yes, I know that.” Ciel was frantically trying to wipe away the tears but they were falling quicker than he could catch them. 

“It doesn’t take an idiot to see that.” He sounded so small despite the fact that he was trying his hardest to be the Earl. To be what was expected of him, but his facade was broken tonight and he was brought back down. 

“I just…” he began but was interrupted.

“I know.” The butler’s voice was soothing in that moment. 

“Even I could not have predicted this.” He confessed. 

“Sit down.” Ciel sniffled. 

Sebastian looked around the room for a chair. 

“No. Here.” Ciel moved over so that there was enough room on the edge of the bed for him. 

“Very well.” Sebastian silently sat down beside him and rested his hands on his thighs. 

“We need to get this done as swiftly as possible.” Ciel was trying to distract himself but thinking about it at all was equally distressing. His breathing hitched as he started to panic again. 

“I don’t understand.” He sobbed into his hands. 

“I truly do not understand.” He let his head fall onto Sebastian’s shoulder and continued to dig his fingernails into the flesh of his legs without thinking when Sebastian snatched his hand away with one hand and cupped his chin with the other, bringing his gaze to meet his in the candlelit room.

“You are Ciel Phantomhive.” He spoke harshly and kept his grip on him as the tears continued build in the boys' eyes and trickle down onto the demons gloves. 

“I understand this was unexpected. Though this is but child’s play.” Hearing those words in that sickeningly sweet voice would have most people fall for it blindly. 

“How can you say that…” Ciel broke off, ceasing eye contact and letting his eyes fall closed as the tears just kept flowing. 

“This is all part of the game, my Lord.” He was trying to bring Ciel back to reality and it was almost working. His cries turned to quiet sobs and sniffles, his tears less frequent. Suddenly there was a look in Ciel’s eyes that could send shivers down even a demon’s spine and Sebastian released his grip on the boy almost instantly. It reassured him, though. That look was all Sebastian needed to see to know that Ciel was still there. The boy with a fire burning bright inside his heart and a soul that could make a demon wait an eternity to devour. 

“I will have my revenge.” The boy sounded almost demonic himself, but as quickly as the look appeared, it was gone again and his head returned to Sebastian’s shoulder. 

“Stay with me.” He breathed, burying his head. 

“Yes, my Lord.” 

Sebastian removed his soiled gloves and went to stand, but Ciel grabbed him by his tailcoat. 

“Idiot. Go fetch some nightwear for yourself and come back at once.” His usual fire was back, but Sebastian was now even more confused. He simply nodded and did as he was told. 

Ciel gathered his thoughts and calmed down while he awaited his butlers return and when he came back, he couldn’t help but smirk at the sight of a demon in a white set of pyjamas. 

“You look awful.” He smiled sleepily. 

“I don’t understand-“

“Come.” Ciel patted the bed next to him, which only made Sebastian even more confused. 

“Do I need to repeat myself?” He was definitely still the Ciel Sebastian had come to know. 

“No.” He made his way over to the bed and got in next to the boy. He kept his distance and awaited his next order. 

“Lay down.” Ciel commanded. 

Sebastian said nothing, just laid himself flat in the most unnatural way possible, with his arms at his sides. It was rare he got to sleep these days. 

Ciel tutted before shuffling himself closer and lifting one of Sebastian’s arms. The man simply watched as Ciel got closer and snuggled down beside him, draping the arm over himself and nuzzling into his chest. Sebastian was most taken aback, but understood the boys’ need for comfort. 

“Go to sleep.” Ciel spoke firmly. 

Ciel began to drift off, but Sebastian knew he would not be able to sleep like this. Sharing a bed with another was a foreign concept to him these days but when he heard Ciel’s breathing settle down and felt his small chest rise and fall beside him, he couldn’t help but rub circles into his young masters back and sooth him the best he could as he mumbled in his sleep. He spent the night stroking Ciel’s hair and relishing in the opportunity to see this boy so vulnerable. He truly could not wait to devour him whole. Ciel had repositioned himself so his head was resting in the crook of Sebastian’s neck and his leg was draped over him. 

“Yes, my Lord.” He breathed before he fell asleep just before dawn. 


End file.
